This made me cry a lot. This will be the first Christmas without my dad. I didn't know last year would be the last one. I see his last moments frozen in my mind, and I hope one day I can see something less sad when I think about him - something dumb and nice like a google earth pic.
Beautifully written, as always. I particularly enjoyed the following:
But there’s something else I’ve learned, too. Christmas has always been more than one thing—it’s memory, it’s presence, it’s loneliness, and it’s togetherness. It’s a time when everything feels like it’s happening all at once.
I can really relate to this feeling, it’s such a strange and heavy time of year. Sending you love, lolo.
in Islam, dreams are considered a remnant of prophecy. i had chills reading that part of your piece. also ugly cried the whole time. thank you for sharing some of your grief with us in writing
Deep. Thank you. In this transactional, materialistic, cold world, it’s so good to be reminded that it’s really people and relationships that matter most. Everything else is transitory, replaceable, meaningless even. Happy Holidays
It's one of the most painful experiences when you start to forget parts of someone you love. Whether it's a voice, or a smile, or whatever the case may be. Something that comforts me is the recognition of the pain itself. It hurts. That means it's real. It is truly a gift to have experienced a love worth grieving. Merry Christmas BIG DAWG. 🫶🎅
"who is entitled to grief, anyhow?" was an amazing line and a question i've struggled with myself.
i also relate to the feeling of someone who left, and eventually was gone. thank you for this piece and i'm sending you love and peace this christmas🫶🏻
New to this substack thing (heard Caroline mention it once and the Deprogram finally made me come over and sign up). First thing I read was the one about the homeless guy in the coffee place. Hmm, nice I think. Then just as I'm getting to sleep I get this in my email right after and boy I had to come here and comment cus once I started reading it I didn't expect to feel the things I'm feeling right now 😭. Bits of it make me fleetingly think of Disco Elysium, Past Lives, All of Us Strangers.
One of the things that terrifies me the most in life is being cut off/excised permanently from a loved ones life just cus a breakup wasn't amicable, if I love them enough I ought to have them in my short life in some capacity even as a friend, I think, not doing so feels existentially lonely. But I guess this is coming from a person who's never dated and hasn't responded to any of his friends' messages or been in contact with them for the past 4 years now due to a prolonged depression/bad mental health spiral so I dunno... 😭 I wanna one day look back and say that this helped in it's own way in getting me out of my rut and piecing my life back together and reconnecting with the world... But regardless thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing this Lolo 😭❤️
Full body tingles reading the part about your dream.
Today is my little sister’s birthday. She would be 26. It’s her fifth birthday she’s missing. I never believed in the afterlife even as a kid but ever since she died, every once in awhile I’ll have these dreams that make me second guess… They don’t feel like dreams that she happens to be in; they really feel like she’s coming to visit me. She doesn’t really talk at all, like it’s taking all of her energy and power just to be there with me. She can never stay long. Those dreams give me life. To see her and feel her in my arms is everything 💓
Thanks for sharing this, Lolo. Merry Christmas bud 🫶🏻
2 years ago today, an eight year relationship I had been in came to an end. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through, and at the age of 22 I had no clue how to handle it. A few days after the breakup I flew to Mexico, with her empty seat beside me, to spend the holidays with my family. In Mexico, my family was in the midst of grieving the recent death of a loved one, taken far too young. It was a very grim week or so, but it was interesting to see the differences between the grief of the end of a relationship, and the grief of a death. The photos of the departed all over his widow's house, whereas, once I found the strength I would end up deleting all photos of my ex from my phone. The small altar we built to honor his memory, as opposed to the quiet and prolonged purging of my memories of her, whether intentional or inflicted by the passage of time. The widow reflected, months later, "that was a rough time for all of us. You might see her again one day, but I'll never get to see my husband."
I haven't really seen her since, and at times I have found myself anxious that the scenario in your story may happen to me, that I might be prevented by the very laws of nature from ever seeing her again. I usually dismiss it as unrealistic. I can hardly imagine the pain of going through both griefs, for the same person. Thank you for sharing Alex. I hope you're well.
You encapsulated what the human experience of love is and how the Holiday season seems to bring up so much nostalgia. Love is what matters in the end as it's the only thing that endures. Any pain, any anger, any regret, comes from that deep sense of love. This shit made me cry.
Merry Christmas lolo
This made me cry a lot. This will be the first Christmas without my dad. I didn't know last year would be the last one. I see his last moments frozen in my mind, and I hope one day I can see something less sad when I think about him - something dumb and nice like a google earth pic.
Beautifully written, as always. I particularly enjoyed the following:
But there’s something else I’ve learned, too. Christmas has always been more than one thing—it’s memory, it’s presence, it’s loneliness, and it’s togetherness. It’s a time when everything feels like it’s happening all at once.
I can really relate to this feeling, it’s such a strange and heavy time of year. Sending you love, lolo.
Good grief, Charlie Brown ✨️
in Islam, dreams are considered a remnant of prophecy. i had chills reading that part of your piece. also ugly cried the whole time. thank you for sharing some of your grief with us in writing
This made me cry, thanks. 👍
Deep. Thank you. In this transactional, materialistic, cold world, it’s so good to be reminded that it’s really people and relationships that matter most. Everything else is transitory, replaceable, meaningless even. Happy Holidays
It's one of the most painful experiences when you start to forget parts of someone you love. Whether it's a voice, or a smile, or whatever the case may be. Something that comforts me is the recognition of the pain itself. It hurts. That means it's real. It is truly a gift to have experienced a love worth grieving. Merry Christmas BIG DAWG. 🫶🎅
"who is entitled to grief, anyhow?" was an amazing line and a question i've struggled with myself.
i also relate to the feeling of someone who left, and eventually was gone. thank you for this piece and i'm sending you love and peace this christmas🫶🏻
New to this substack thing (heard Caroline mention it once and the Deprogram finally made me come over and sign up). First thing I read was the one about the homeless guy in the coffee place. Hmm, nice I think. Then just as I'm getting to sleep I get this in my email right after and boy I had to come here and comment cus once I started reading it I didn't expect to feel the things I'm feeling right now 😭. Bits of it make me fleetingly think of Disco Elysium, Past Lives, All of Us Strangers.
One of the things that terrifies me the most in life is being cut off/excised permanently from a loved ones life just cus a breakup wasn't amicable, if I love them enough I ought to have them in my short life in some capacity even as a friend, I think, not doing so feels existentially lonely. But I guess this is coming from a person who's never dated and hasn't responded to any of his friends' messages or been in contact with them for the past 4 years now due to a prolonged depression/bad mental health spiral so I dunno... 😭 I wanna one day look back and say that this helped in it's own way in getting me out of my rut and piecing my life back together and reconnecting with the world... But regardless thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing this Lolo 😭❤️
I’m sorry for your loss Lolo
Full body tingles reading the part about your dream.
Today is my little sister’s birthday. She would be 26. It’s her fifth birthday she’s missing. I never believed in the afterlife even as a kid but ever since she died, every once in awhile I’ll have these dreams that make me second guess… They don’t feel like dreams that she happens to be in; they really feel like she’s coming to visit me. She doesn’t really talk at all, like it’s taking all of her energy and power just to be there with me. She can never stay long. Those dreams give me life. To see her and feel her in my arms is everything 💓
Thanks for sharing this, Lolo. Merry Christmas bud 🫶🏻
2 years ago today, an eight year relationship I had been in came to an end. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through, and at the age of 22 I had no clue how to handle it. A few days after the breakup I flew to Mexico, with her empty seat beside me, to spend the holidays with my family. In Mexico, my family was in the midst of grieving the recent death of a loved one, taken far too young. It was a very grim week or so, but it was interesting to see the differences between the grief of the end of a relationship, and the grief of a death. The photos of the departed all over his widow's house, whereas, once I found the strength I would end up deleting all photos of my ex from my phone. The small altar we built to honor his memory, as opposed to the quiet and prolonged purging of my memories of her, whether intentional or inflicted by the passage of time. The widow reflected, months later, "that was a rough time for all of us. You might see her again one day, but I'll never get to see my husband."
I haven't really seen her since, and at times I have found myself anxious that the scenario in your story may happen to me, that I might be prevented by the very laws of nature from ever seeing her again. I usually dismiss it as unrealistic. I can hardly imagine the pain of going through both griefs, for the same person. Thank you for sharing Alex. I hope you're well.
This genuinely made me ugly cry. Very beautiful and vulnerable.
You encapsulated what the human experience of love is and how the Holiday season seems to bring up so much nostalgia. Love is what matters in the end as it's the only thing that endures. Any pain, any anger, any regret, comes from that deep sense of love. This shit made me cry.
wow. my heart aches for someone i’ve never known and it has for a long time. this really puts it into words. thank you, friend.