"They become good partners, finally, just not to the person who stayed with them through the bad years. They become whole men, but only after breaking people who loved them when they weren’t."
Was with my partner for seven years and in the end he told me he "just couldn't bring himself to be good to me," only to instantly replace me with someone else. The thought of him being good to her, when I was the one with him through seven years full of love and patience is so painful. I can't shake it off.
Even though this essay wasn't written by him, I'm going to let it's honest and self-reflective tone soothe me. So thanks. This is an essay I'll have lodged in my head all week.
Just wanted to say that I see you and empathize 🤍I was just broken up with by my partner of six years (due to his own misery and inability to deal with his brain/the world) and the thought he will quickly move on and replace me haunts me. I hope for the other women’s sakes they are better men but fuck we didn’t deserve this. I poured so much of my love into him and I feel like I was left with nothing.
I'm 54 now, single by choice for more than a decade so I've healed and this is all reflection on the past... but it still cracks me up that every man I built a romantic relationship with in my 20's and 30's, ALL of them went on to marry the woman they dated after me. It was rough at the time. I don't think any of them were/are very good partners to their wives though, they all seem to live very performative lives, curated for social media and appearances, but that yearning emptiness inside still gnaws away... Some have contacted me over the years to tell me how much they missed me and the way I cared for them. They spend a LOT of time talking about themselves, and very little or none at all asking about me and what's new. It's very telling, and now it's so obvious that I was nothing more than a pretty mirror for them to perceive their own reflection. I am so glad I avoided certain disaster with each and every one. I hope you all too find healing and joy far beyond anything you experienced with these sad men blinded by their own egos.
My partner of 5 years broke up with me, and I feel the same exact way. In fact, my last LTR before him (my first love) cheated on me, and has been with that girl ever since… he bought her flowers, took her on trips, etc .. so when it was my turn to finally feel that with my most recent ex I was so happy… until he started “tolerating” me, and then I tried to stay until he finally left. It’s been hard. I miss him. But I’m right here with you.
“It is astounding how many men need to be broken in order to become decent. Not challenged. Not humbled. Broken.”
I am a queer woman looking at these words feeling seen, feeling sad that this is my own experience, feeling hopeful that I can want more than this experience. Ty
My point with the sarcasm is to say, this is a lot of personal prodding on a response to someone else’s work. What exactly is the point of the questions you are asking.
I hope you can find true peace in all of this. As someone who's been used and discarded I can tell you first hand, the pain is immense but so is the knowing that your suffering is just a footnote in some broken man's path to enlightenment. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I think the sooner a lot of men figure it out, the sooner a lot of their former partners can figure out how they became lessons instead of people.
I had to take a break from reading this the day it came out, I had just gotten a text (at 4:30 am) from a man I had been dating and helping through a tough time, that said “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you deserve, but I know someone else will soon.”
It was the fifth time in a row a man said that I deserved better than them after I took the time and care to help them emotionally digest their issues and insecurities. They always immediately find someone that they can be “good to” with their newly acquired emotional intelligence, and after years I’m still looking for my someone else who “will soon.”
One of them—who for over a year I helped with unpacking his abusive relationship, supported him through the worst depressive episodes he’s ever had, helped going back to school and achieving his goals, helped with sobriety and every relapse—told me that, because I was one of the nicest people he’d ever met and was so supportive, I deserved someone much better than him. As soon as he was out of the mess, I wasn’t needed anymore and he found someone to whom he could show his growth as a blank slate.
It’s… reassuring to know, if not a little bit of a gut punch as well, that this can be something all these men who used me as a stepping stone to their happiness will think about. It’s a sort of closure that I’ve never received, and it brings me some comfort. Thank you for sharing lolo, I hope we find peace soon 🤍
FIVE TIMES 😱 That's horrifying, I'm so sorry Alice! You absolutely have to break the cycle, for your own sake. You've done more than your fair share of relational charity; next you can't settle for anything less than a healed man who can support YOUR growth. When you are finally the one being taken care of, that will be the ACTUAL closure you deserve.
I definitely know this feeling. I was just saying to my therapist that I feel like every man I date leaves the relationship with a better “dating resume” — I’ve groomed him to be a better partner…to the next person. From increasing empathy to traveling more broadly than they would alone, from improving their wardrobe to helping them communicate their needs and better handle conflict, even helping them to go back to college and encouraging them either way. I’m glad to give them all of these things, these men I’ve loved — but damn, what have they done for me lately?
I used to be you. I know how that feels when you look back at it all. There is a common denominator in all of them.. you. The question to ask yourself is, why do I keep choosing men like this? When you get to the core of it all.. (sometimes it takes 7 layers of why to find out,) there you will learn, evolve, and grow... and you will never pick or attract men like that ever again! ❤️
This is the truth right here! Every single word. I remember being in my late 20s, and after the 3rd deeply disappointing/disturbing/fucked up end to a relationship/situationship with a man, I suddenly had the realization that this was a pattern, and that my choices and behavior in those situations was the common denominator. And not in a way where I was blaming myself for THEIR actions, but in a way where I had to be honest with myself , take accountability for my emotions and actions, and say, “girl, wow! There were red flag warnings from the very beginning, and in each and every scenario, you ignored them! Why did you do that???” And that began a journey, often painful and overwhelming, of deep-reflection that lead to internal shifts, that lead to me making different choices on and with men.
Yes!!!! Exactly!! But you know the old saying.. the truth will set you free!! My life changed when I realized that pattern I used to have. I'm a much stronger and wiser woman!
If a man wrote this comment, women would be swarming over him and scolding him. "Typical nice guy behavior", they would say. "It's obvious that he never actually cared for or loved any of those women. He was just being nice because he expected something in return. Women aren't vending machines where you put in favors and expect sex, you know."
A service to all genders. Thanks for writing this.
That scene for sure brought up feelings- and I did judge him as the typical white entitled predatory sex adventure colonizer.
But your analysis contextualizes sex as an aspect also of alienation, extraction, transaction, under capitalism. Not just as sex work but the alienating nature of sex and its promises to fill the emptiness we are left with under these systems when void of deeper connection and intimacy. When alienated beings try to be intimate…
"The idea that the baseline for a decent man is one who has already been screamed at by another woman, long enough and loud enough, to be marginally tolerable to the next."
What's interesting here is that men want the opposite: a woman who has no baggage from previous relations, who is innocent and not "damaged." It goes to show that men and women recognize the difference in our starting points toward each other. Women glorify men, and men denigrate women.
"Comedian Allen Wong has a joke about wanting to date a woman who is already divorced, already yelled at, already house-trained by another man. It’s a joke obviously, but it’s still kind of sad. The idea that the baseline for a decent woman is one who has already been screamed at by another man, long enough and loud enough, to be marginally tolerable to the next."
Also THANK YOU for bringing up the belittlement of misogynistic men into queer desires, I don't like when writers equate the infinite freedom of queer desire and existence to these men. Shame them all day for the cognitive dissonance of patriarchal choices, make jd vance look as stupid as possible, but implying he's gay shouldn't make him look stupid
Men continue to exercise superiority by justifying their need to have someone new and fresh rather than share the damage with someone they've destroyed.
Can confirm. My marriage just ended as a result of this dynamic (30M, the guilty party).
The idea that so many men have to be broken to become decent reminds me of a recent ManTalks episode. Connor Beaton pointed out that across cultures, masculinity tends to require a greater degree of social construction than other gender identities. I.e., boys don't automatically become men just because they age, and in fact the default is that they WON'T develop if they are not handed some clear vision of what to develop into and to some extent coerced to pursue it. Initiation ceremonies were often challenging and painful, literally designed to break the boys, so that a wiser more resilient more humble man can be built without a naive boyish ego getting in the way of growth. Needless to say, we have no traditional initiation ceremony for teenage boys in the secular modern West. So here we are.
Thank you for giving it some thought Takim. I appreciate the give and take.
What I’m saying is that if the empPHAsis in the word “human” is put entirely on the sylLABLE “MAN,” then an imbalance occurs. Teaching manhood, behaving like a real man, etc., are gender identities, as much as any other gender identity.
Vigorously entrenched gender identities, with any variance punished or derogated by society, is designed to shape a compliant and conforming population (of men and women).
In essence, I’m arguing that intentionally training a person—one who started out fully HUman—to focus only on the MAN, sublimates the fullness of their HUMAN potential.
Entraining gender identity, without regard to intrinsic individuality, erases parts of the HUman soul, limits opportunities for HUman connection and personal growth. Gender coercion takes entities who started out as whole HUmans and turns them into obedient robots, zombies, artificial and incomplete humans. Options for behavior, emotional expression and emotional intelligence, dress, occupation, hobbies, interests, relationships, showing affection, and connection with others become constrained into a narrow band of acceptable behaviors that fall under the notion of “BE A MAN/WOMAN.”
Look around. People are so diverse and unique. So many are currently clamoring from all sides to just be allowed to be and explore their fullest selves. Because that’s what nature does, that’s what humanity does. Each one will express their HUman identity and traits uniquely.
The societal system currently in power has to work ever harder to keep nonconformists in their place, as conforming zombies. With all this explosion of HUmanity penalties become harsher.
It will continue to explode because the oppression has reached saturation point. Society will come apart before it rebuilds itself. It already is.
The more men focus on perpetuating the notion of “Being a MAN,” the worse it will become. HUmanity is trying to break free from these artificial constraints. And it will. Probably at great human cost.
The more we teach and allow full humans to grow into their fullest selves, without artificially imposed gender identities, the more authentic, cohesive, and connected we as a species can become.
So when I say we need to teach men to be HUman, instead of endlessly emphasizing the gender identity of “MAN,” the happier they, and everyone around them, will be.
Book recommendations:
THIS IS HOW YOUR MARRIAGE ENDS, by Matthew Fray.
THE MAN THEY WANTED ME TO BE, by Jared Yates Sexton
definitely in need of both. i wonder what that looks like to differentiate those two. like what is a scenario where the “being a man” gender role actually serves a positive purpose vs. a scenario where we as men can turn off that “be a man” trigger and just be.
Lol your comment is ambiguous. I immediately thought of multiple possible meanings, some of which are contradictory, so I'm just asking you for clarification and elaboration. I'd like to hear more of your thoughts!
"Men don't need lessons to act like men..."
Are you implying that there is no such thing as manhood, but rather that the ultimate goal of all maturing human beings looks exactly the same, regardless of gender?
Alternatively, are you implying that there is such a thing as manhood, but that we don't need it because it's intrinsically bad, so what we actually need is to stop teaching manhood and teach men this other thing (being human) instead?
Finally, are you saying there is such a thing called manhood, and it's fine so far as it goes, but that men don't need lessons in it because we get there automatically/naturally, and what we need is to supplement/complement manhood with lessons in this other very important thing, "being human."
used to be the youth sports to military pipeline, atleast where i live. now niggas can't afford youth sports and don't make it to military age without felonies. black men gotta back eachother and it starts with the dummy looking us in the mirror
I asked a friend once what his desires were in terms of relationships, and he said ' I desire to be desired' which sums it up quite well. 'To be desired' is to exclude the self from answering wants. I would be very interested to hear your thoughts on male desire
i've had to curve many a person like this. most have not been that explicit. it has not felt good to be in relationship with folks who do not share their wants. i have found myself loved better by people who are more upfront about their want and their desire. they are also in touch with healthy anger and grieve openly. <3 i have a friend who says "I love people who openly yearn" and I was like "I do, too. I love that you openly yearn." he yearns about everything and then he pursues it and they sit with the grief and anger that comes up in the process. they are one of the most joyful and wise people I have met.
Damn, yes, yearning is passion and nothing gets me hotter than the loss of inhibitions over passion. Actually, also the struggle to contain passion. All of it. It's fucking pointless that so many geeks and nerds are sufficiently self aware to become misogynist but not develop confidence I cannot tell you how many times sheer 'sexism' has cockblocked me
Men are like glow sticks. They need to be cracked and broken in order to work. I’m just glad to hear it from the horses mouth. (But that scene has me dying of laughter)
No, they don't. The truth is the opposite: They (and women too) become sex addicts or people-users because they were already broken at the beginning of life. They need neither pain, nor punishment - they need unconditional love. But a partner cannot (and SHOULD NOT) provide that (it's a parent's job), that is why their relationships fail. In a partnership between adults, healthy love is actually conditional upon each partner's ability to treat the other with respect and care. Only while we are children is it right for us to receive without responsibility.
The great tragedy happens when the parents of a child don't fulfill their role, but neglect or abuse the child: beat, deride or humiliate it, or use it to satisfy their own needs (emotional or sexual). Then a bottomless abyss is created in the little one's soul, a craving that cannot be satisfied. The inhuman pain of being unloved even when totally innocent and pure. As the child grows, this abyss can turn into a vortex sucking other souls dry.
The right therapist or spiritual advisor, or God himself, can fill the role of the missing parent and help the healing forward, if the sufferer is willing to do the work. But friends and partners cannot. When used that way, they are lost.
This was the comment I was looking for on this thread. I hear the pain in a lot of these comments, and it can be heartbreaking to know there are so many hurt people hurting people in our world. I think about what it takes to be in a scenario where the person you’re with after 5-10 years does something unexpected, what kind of conversations were being had? How vulnerable was the relationship? What does it take to give so much of yourself to a partner and never be reciprocated, hoping that one day they will learn.
Speaking specifically to hetero relationship dynamics - from my viewpoint I see the same amount of men betraying women, as women trying to fix men into the ideal they see. What do we expect to happen when we try and fix someone into being something we want? Are they going to play along? At what point does that facade break?
"They become good partners, finally, just not to the person who stayed with them through the bad years. They become whole men, but only after breaking people who loved them when they weren’t."
Was with my partner for seven years and in the end he told me he "just couldn't bring himself to be good to me," only to instantly replace me with someone else. The thought of him being good to her, when I was the one with him through seven years full of love and patience is so painful. I can't shake it off.
Even though this essay wasn't written by him, I'm going to let it's honest and self-reflective tone soothe me. So thanks. This is an essay I'll have lodged in my head all week.
Just wanted to say that I see you and empathize 🤍I was just broken up with by my partner of six years (due to his own misery and inability to deal with his brain/the world) and the thought he will quickly move on and replace me haunts me. I hope for the other women’s sakes they are better men but fuck we didn’t deserve this. I poured so much of my love into him and I feel like I was left with nothing.
I'm 54 now, single by choice for more than a decade so I've healed and this is all reflection on the past... but it still cracks me up that every man I built a romantic relationship with in my 20's and 30's, ALL of them went on to marry the woman they dated after me. It was rough at the time. I don't think any of them were/are very good partners to their wives though, they all seem to live very performative lives, curated for social media and appearances, but that yearning emptiness inside still gnaws away... Some have contacted me over the years to tell me how much they missed me and the way I cared for them. They spend a LOT of time talking about themselves, and very little or none at all asking about me and what's new. It's very telling, and now it's so obvious that I was nothing more than a pretty mirror for them to perceive their own reflection. I am so glad I avoided certain disaster with each and every one. I hope you all too find healing and joy far beyond anything you experienced with these sad men blinded by their own egos.
My partner of 5 years broke up with me, and I feel the same exact way. In fact, my last LTR before him (my first love) cheated on me, and has been with that girl ever since… he bought her flowers, took her on trips, etc .. so when it was my turn to finally feel that with my most recent ex I was so happy… until he started “tolerating” me, and then I tried to stay until he finally left. It’s been hard. I miss him. But I’m right here with you.
Also letting this essay soothe me. Appreciate the perspective.
“It is astounding how many men need to be broken in order to become decent. Not challenged. Not humbled. Broken.”
I am a queer woman looking at these words feeling seen, feeling sad that this is my own experience, feeling hopeful that I can want more than this experience. Ty
My point with the sarcasm is to say, this is a lot of personal prodding on a response to someone else’s work. What exactly is the point of the questions you are asking.
Your experience, as in you felt like you needed to be "broken"?
Are you trans?
What are you a cop?
Being trans is not a crime!
So no.
You just said queer woman, so I was just curious whether you were queer based on gender, or based on who you're attracted to.
I hope you can find true peace in all of this. As someone who's been used and discarded I can tell you first hand, the pain is immense but so is the knowing that your suffering is just a footnote in some broken man's path to enlightenment. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I think the sooner a lot of men figure it out, the sooner a lot of their former partners can figure out how they became lessons instead of people.
interesting that most of the comments are from women
I thought the essay was written by a woman until toward the end
not interesting at all it completely tracks
I had to take a break from reading this the day it came out, I had just gotten a text (at 4:30 am) from a man I had been dating and helping through a tough time, that said “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you deserve, but I know someone else will soon.”
It was the fifth time in a row a man said that I deserved better than them after I took the time and care to help them emotionally digest their issues and insecurities. They always immediately find someone that they can be “good to” with their newly acquired emotional intelligence, and after years I’m still looking for my someone else who “will soon.”
One of them—who for over a year I helped with unpacking his abusive relationship, supported him through the worst depressive episodes he’s ever had, helped going back to school and achieving his goals, helped with sobriety and every relapse—told me that, because I was one of the nicest people he’d ever met and was so supportive, I deserved someone much better than him. As soon as he was out of the mess, I wasn’t needed anymore and he found someone to whom he could show his growth as a blank slate.
It’s… reassuring to know, if not a little bit of a gut punch as well, that this can be something all these men who used me as a stepping stone to their happiness will think about. It’s a sort of closure that I’ve never received, and it brings me some comfort. Thank you for sharing lolo, I hope we find peace soon 🤍
FIVE TIMES 😱 That's horrifying, I'm so sorry Alice! You absolutely have to break the cycle, for your own sake. You've done more than your fair share of relational charity; next you can't settle for anything less than a healed man who can support YOUR growth. When you are finally the one being taken care of, that will be the ACTUAL closure you deserve.
I definitely know this feeling. I was just saying to my therapist that I feel like every man I date leaves the relationship with a better “dating resume” — I’ve groomed him to be a better partner…to the next person. From increasing empathy to traveling more broadly than they would alone, from improving their wardrobe to helping them communicate their needs and better handle conflict, even helping them to go back to college and encouraging them either way. I’m glad to give them all of these things, these men I’ve loved — but damn, what have they done for me lately?
I used to be you. I know how that feels when you look back at it all. There is a common denominator in all of them.. you. The question to ask yourself is, why do I keep choosing men like this? When you get to the core of it all.. (sometimes it takes 7 layers of why to find out,) there you will learn, evolve, and grow... and you will never pick or attract men like that ever again! ❤️
This is the truth right here! Every single word. I remember being in my late 20s, and after the 3rd deeply disappointing/disturbing/fucked up end to a relationship/situationship with a man, I suddenly had the realization that this was a pattern, and that my choices and behavior in those situations was the common denominator. And not in a way where I was blaming myself for THEIR actions, but in a way where I had to be honest with myself , take accountability for my emotions and actions, and say, “girl, wow! There were red flag warnings from the very beginning, and in each and every scenario, you ignored them! Why did you do that???” And that began a journey, often painful and overwhelming, of deep-reflection that lead to internal shifts, that lead to me making different choices on and with men.
Yes!!!! Exactly!! But you know the old saying.. the truth will set you free!! My life changed when I realized that pattern I used to have. I'm a much stronger and wiser woman!
If a man wrote this comment, women would be swarming over him and scolding him. "Typical nice guy behavior", they would say. "It's obvious that he never actually cared for or loved any of those women. He was just being nice because he expected something in return. Women aren't vending machines where you put in favors and expect sex, you know."
A service to all genders. Thanks for writing this.
That scene for sure brought up feelings- and I did judge him as the typical white entitled predatory sex adventure colonizer.
But your analysis contextualizes sex as an aspect also of alienation, extraction, transaction, under capitalism. Not just as sex work but the alienating nature of sex and its promises to fill the emptiness we are left with under these systems when void of deeper connection and intimacy. When alienated beings try to be intimate…
As of last Thursday I’m the ex girlfriend. This is the recognition and apology I wanted to hear from the “traditional man.” Thank you!
"The idea that the baseline for a decent man is one who has already been screamed at by another woman, long enough and loud enough, to be marginally tolerable to the next."
What's interesting here is that men want the opposite: a woman who has no baggage from previous relations, who is innocent and not "damaged." It goes to show that men and women recognize the difference in our starting points toward each other. Women glorify men, and men denigrate women.
"Comedian Allen Wong has a joke about wanting to date a woman who is already divorced, already yelled at, already house-trained by another man. It’s a joke obviously, but it’s still kind of sad. The idea that the baseline for a decent woman is one who has already been screamed at by another man, long enough and loud enough, to be marginally tolerable to the next."
Also THANK YOU for bringing up the belittlement of misogynistic men into queer desires, I don't like when writers equate the infinite freedom of queer desire and existence to these men. Shame them all day for the cognitive dissonance of patriarchal choices, make jd vance look as stupid as possible, but implying he's gay shouldn't make him look stupid
You’ve just perfectly described a thought I’ve been having for the longest time. Thank you for sharing and I hope you find peace and happiness.
Men continue to exercise superiority by justifying their need to have someone new and fresh rather than share the damage with someone they've destroyed.
wow...this was so resonant. thank you
Can confirm. My marriage just ended as a result of this dynamic (30M, the guilty party).
The idea that so many men have to be broken to become decent reminds me of a recent ManTalks episode. Connor Beaton pointed out that across cultures, masculinity tends to require a greater degree of social construction than other gender identities. I.e., boys don't automatically become men just because they age, and in fact the default is that they WON'T develop if they are not handed some clear vision of what to develop into and to some extent coerced to pursue it. Initiation ceremonies were often challenging and painful, literally designed to break the boys, so that a wiser more resilient more humble man can be built without a naive boyish ego getting in the way of growth. Needless to say, we have no traditional initiation ceremony for teenage boys in the secular modern West. So here we are.
Men don’t need lessons to act like men. Men need lessons to act like human beings.
Not sure exactly what you're saying here, but men probably need both!
Thank you for giving it some thought Takim. I appreciate the give and take.
What I’m saying is that if the empPHAsis in the word “human” is put entirely on the sylLABLE “MAN,” then an imbalance occurs. Teaching manhood, behaving like a real man, etc., are gender identities, as much as any other gender identity.
Vigorously entrenched gender identities, with any variance punished or derogated by society, is designed to shape a compliant and conforming population (of men and women).
In essence, I’m arguing that intentionally training a person—one who started out fully HUman—to focus only on the MAN, sublimates the fullness of their HUMAN potential.
Entraining gender identity, without regard to intrinsic individuality, erases parts of the HUman soul, limits opportunities for HUman connection and personal growth. Gender coercion takes entities who started out as whole HUmans and turns them into obedient robots, zombies, artificial and incomplete humans. Options for behavior, emotional expression and emotional intelligence, dress, occupation, hobbies, interests, relationships, showing affection, and connection with others become constrained into a narrow band of acceptable behaviors that fall under the notion of “BE A MAN/WOMAN.”
Look around. People are so diverse and unique. So many are currently clamoring from all sides to just be allowed to be and explore their fullest selves. Because that’s what nature does, that’s what humanity does. Each one will express their HUman identity and traits uniquely.
The societal system currently in power has to work ever harder to keep nonconformists in their place, as conforming zombies. With all this explosion of HUmanity penalties become harsher.
It will continue to explode because the oppression has reached saturation point. Society will come apart before it rebuilds itself. It already is.
The more men focus on perpetuating the notion of “Being a MAN,” the worse it will become. HUmanity is trying to break free from these artificial constraints. And it will. Probably at great human cost.
The more we teach and allow full humans to grow into their fullest selves, without artificially imposed gender identities, the more authentic, cohesive, and connected we as a species can become.
So when I say we need to teach men to be HUman, instead of endlessly emphasizing the gender identity of “MAN,” the happier they, and everyone around them, will be.
Book recommendations:
THIS IS HOW YOUR MARRIAGE ENDS, by Matthew Fray.
THE MAN THEY WANTED ME TO BE, by Jared Yates Sexton
YES! Thank you so much for this.
Certainly. I appreciate your attention and input.
definitely in need of both. i wonder what that looks like to differentiate those two. like what is a scenario where the “being a man” gender role actually serves a positive purpose vs. a scenario where we as men can turn off that “be a man” trigger and just be.
Maybe let it percolate for a bit.
Lol your comment is ambiguous. I immediately thought of multiple possible meanings, some of which are contradictory, so I'm just asking you for clarification and elaboration. I'd like to hear more of your thoughts!
"Men don't need lessons to act like men..."
Are you implying that there is no such thing as manhood, but rather that the ultimate goal of all maturing human beings looks exactly the same, regardless of gender?
Alternatively, are you implying that there is such a thing as manhood, but that we don't need it because it's intrinsically bad, so what we actually need is to stop teaching manhood and teach men this other thing (being human) instead?
Finally, are you saying there is such a thing called manhood, and it's fine so far as it goes, but that men don't need lessons in it because we get there automatically/naturally, and what we need is to supplement/complement manhood with lessons in this other very important thing, "being human."
used to be the youth sports to military pipeline, atleast where i live. now niggas can't afford youth sports and don't make it to military age without felonies. black men gotta back eachother and it starts with the dummy looking us in the mirror
Yeah so true.
Be sure to credit me if you use it in your next book.
Haha will do!
this was a beautiful yet melancholic read, lolo. thank you.
I asked a friend once what his desires were in terms of relationships, and he said ' I desire to be desired' which sums it up quite well. 'To be desired' is to exclude the self from answering wants. I would be very interested to hear your thoughts on male desire
i've had to curve many a person like this. most have not been that explicit. it has not felt good to be in relationship with folks who do not share their wants. i have found myself loved better by people who are more upfront about their want and their desire. they are also in touch with healthy anger and grieve openly. <3 i have a friend who says "I love people who openly yearn" and I was like "I do, too. I love that you openly yearn." he yearns about everything and then he pursues it and they sit with the grief and anger that comes up in the process. they are one of the most joyful and wise people I have met.
Damn, yes, yearning is passion and nothing gets me hotter than the loss of inhibitions over passion. Actually, also the struggle to contain passion. All of it. It's fucking pointless that so many geeks and nerds are sufficiently self aware to become misogynist but not develop confidence I cannot tell you how many times sheer 'sexism' has cockblocked me
Men are like glow sticks. They need to be cracked and broken in order to work. I’m just glad to hear it from the horses mouth. (But that scene has me dying of laughter)
No, they don't. The truth is the opposite: They (and women too) become sex addicts or people-users because they were already broken at the beginning of life. They need neither pain, nor punishment - they need unconditional love. But a partner cannot (and SHOULD NOT) provide that (it's a parent's job), that is why their relationships fail. In a partnership between adults, healthy love is actually conditional upon each partner's ability to treat the other with respect and care. Only while we are children is it right for us to receive without responsibility.
The great tragedy happens when the parents of a child don't fulfill their role, but neglect or abuse the child: beat, deride or humiliate it, or use it to satisfy their own needs (emotional or sexual). Then a bottomless abyss is created in the little one's soul, a craving that cannot be satisfied. The inhuman pain of being unloved even when totally innocent and pure. As the child grows, this abyss can turn into a vortex sucking other souls dry.
The right therapist or spiritual advisor, or God himself, can fill the role of the missing parent and help the healing forward, if the sufferer is willing to do the work. But friends and partners cannot. When used that way, they are lost.
This was the comment I was looking for on this thread. I hear the pain in a lot of these comments, and it can be heartbreaking to know there are so many hurt people hurting people in our world. I think about what it takes to be in a scenario where the person you’re with after 5-10 years does something unexpected, what kind of conversations were being had? How vulnerable was the relationship? What does it take to give so much of yourself to a partner and never be reciprocated, hoping that one day they will learn.
Speaking specifically to hetero relationship dynamics - from my viewpoint I see the same amount of men betraying women, as women trying to fix men into the ideal they see. What do we expect to happen when we try and fix someone into being something we want? Are they going to play along? At what point does that facade break?
"Women are like glow sticks. They need to be cracked and broken in order to work."
Me, reading the title: i can try.