every time I read one of your newsletters, I think about what a talented writer you are. I'll definitely upgrade when my financial situation allows me to, but for now just wanted to say that I appreciate all of your work!
Wow this really hit. “The man leaves”, and “collateral”. As a child of divorced parents, It honestly made me afraid to date or get serious with anyone, I have become hyper-independent. There’s a part of me that still wishes despite everything more answers.
"The idea that you can inherit the smoke of a fire you never even saw." Reflecting on your writing today. I want to believe that my ancestral smoke has zero affect on my adult life. Maybe it affected my childhood, but not today, now that I've healed andI have autonomy. I want full ownership over my story. But that's just not the case, for me or for anyone. I like your metaphor. The smell of smoke always clings to skin and clothes. It would be good for me reflect more on the past, accept the complexities, and use the pain to inform the present, as you do here. Then I can do some laundry. Thanks for your writing.
This line hit me like a brick wall: "Even if you do your best, it still ends up that a five-year-old is managing two adult’s emotions and taking on entirely too much."
I also had to be the mediator at a young age of a failed marriage. The deliverer of all the passive aggressive barbs and daggers between two people who were better off not having to speak again. The worst were shouting matches in the driveway after my court mandated custody time.
I thought for years, decades even, that if I simply wasn't there everything would've been better. They could have easily cut ties and not had to worry about this 5 year old kid they made. Especially for my mom who basically had to raise me alone and work and keep the house and find any crumb of time for herself.
It surprised me when I said something to that effect to my mom a few years ago. She listened silently, pausing for a moment, and said, "you could not be more wrong." She explained how I was the one thing that got her through that dark time.
I'm glad you're able to find the fuller picture of your dad and yourself. We make up some story and assume it's the truth. A simple way to wrestle with the world. The reality is usually much more complicated and requires a lot of work.
lolo if I wasn’t impovershed and living paycheck to paycheck I’d 100 percent give u money for ur amazing Substack. Ur writing is beautiful and so personal and it nearly brings me to tears every time. I relate too much!
Wow, this is my favorite one of yours so far. You scratched something in my brain and put words to things I've been feeling for awhile. Thank you for writing this! So beautiful, dude.
I’m so grateful for the word “and” when describing my feelings about my mother. It does feel confusing *and* overwhelming when I notice how the ratio of love to disappointment to pity has fluctuated through the decades; especially for a being that is responsible for my existence. I wish she was as self-aware sometimes.
"you are responsible for the damage, whether you meant it or not. At some point, you have to stop pretending you were just along for the ride. At some point, you have to admit that you were driving."
This is something I think I really needed to read right now. Thank you so much for this
There is a risk in our therapized society to learn about the things and people that made you the way you are and think it is only there doing. The things and people that happened to you do not absolve you of your responsibility to be a person. Knowing the past doesn't prevent the work of the future. This is very very unfair.
It’s difficult right? Oh how easy it would be to just up and say “no, X is just fucked up” or “that’s just the X is”. But it’s hard to come to an essentialist conclusion when you follow the nuance and empathy (no matter how hard it is).
I think about my own life and people I swore I would never talk to again because of perceived irredeemability, and I question, “god, what were they dealing with”. Of course there’s never an obligation, if we feel - we feel, it’s not a job. But life feels lighter and real when look for that messy confluence of emotions and context.
It’s scary to assume that old saying is true, “we’re the villain in someone’s story” but following that thought, you’re kinda forced to reconcile do you want to deny that, “oh the context was different” or “oh, they simply don’t know what I was dealing with”. Or do we want to explore, this horrifying possibility, that we can believe it happened and choose to stop being the “villain”.
HELL maybe we’re not villains at all and we just fucked up (sometimes for a long time). The same way our brothers, sisters, parents, friends, and lovers did. But no matter how much someone hurt me, even if I never chose to accept them back into my life, nor even accept an apology depending on the situation. I would at the very least be intrigued by a person’s ability to show up with consistent and honest change.
every time I read one of your newsletters, I think about what a talented writer you are. I'll definitely upgrade when my financial situation allows me to, but for now just wanted to say that I appreciate all of your work!
Wow this really hit. “The man leaves”, and “collateral”. As a child of divorced parents, It honestly made me afraid to date or get serious with anyone, I have become hyper-independent. There’s a part of me that still wishes despite everything more answers.
"The idea that you can inherit the smoke of a fire you never even saw." Reflecting on your writing today. I want to believe that my ancestral smoke has zero affect on my adult life. Maybe it affected my childhood, but not today, now that I've healed andI have autonomy. I want full ownership over my story. But that's just not the case, for me or for anyone. I like your metaphor. The smell of smoke always clings to skin and clothes. It would be good for me reflect more on the past, accept the complexities, and use the pain to inform the present, as you do here. Then I can do some laundry. Thanks for your writing.
Such a lovely piece, thank you for sharing.
This line hit me like a brick wall: "Even if you do your best, it still ends up that a five-year-old is managing two adult’s emotions and taking on entirely too much."
I also had to be the mediator at a young age of a failed marriage. The deliverer of all the passive aggressive barbs and daggers between two people who were better off not having to speak again. The worst were shouting matches in the driveway after my court mandated custody time.
I thought for years, decades even, that if I simply wasn't there everything would've been better. They could have easily cut ties and not had to worry about this 5 year old kid they made. Especially for my mom who basically had to raise me alone and work and keep the house and find any crumb of time for herself.
It surprised me when I said something to that effect to my mom a few years ago. She listened silently, pausing for a moment, and said, "you could not be more wrong." She explained how I was the one thing that got her through that dark time.
I'm glad you're able to find the fuller picture of your dad and yourself. We make up some story and assume it's the truth. A simple way to wrestle with the world. The reality is usually much more complicated and requires a lot of work.
Sometimes what it really requires is to let it go.
Pickleball is definitely a fascist enterprise
lolo if I wasn’t impovershed and living paycheck to paycheck I’d 100 percent give u money for ur amazing Substack. Ur writing is beautiful and so personal and it nearly brings me to tears every time. I relate too much!
truly needed to read this today! you're living wide awake
This one resonated with me deeply. Thank you for your work!
Wow, this is my favorite one of yours so far. You scratched something in my brain and put words to things I've been feeling for awhile. Thank you for writing this! So beautiful, dude.
I’m so grateful for the word “and” when describing my feelings about my mother. It does feel confusing *and* overwhelming when I notice how the ratio of love to disappointment to pity has fluctuated through the decades; especially for a being that is responsible for my existence. I wish she was as self-aware sometimes.
Your writing inspires me to write like I used to, your voice and word choice are so impactful and I always look forward to a new piece from you
Mini lolo🥹
"you are responsible for the damage, whether you meant it or not. At some point, you have to stop pretending you were just along for the ride. At some point, you have to admit that you were driving."
This is something I think I really needed to read right now. Thank you so much for this
There is a risk in our therapized society to learn about the things and people that made you the way you are and think it is only there doing. The things and people that happened to you do not absolve you of your responsibility to be a person. Knowing the past doesn't prevent the work of the future. This is very very unfair.
Good shit as usual Lolo. Glad I'm subscribed
It’s difficult right? Oh how easy it would be to just up and say “no, X is just fucked up” or “that’s just the X is”. But it’s hard to come to an essentialist conclusion when you follow the nuance and empathy (no matter how hard it is).
I think about my own life and people I swore I would never talk to again because of perceived irredeemability, and I question, “god, what were they dealing with”. Of course there’s never an obligation, if we feel - we feel, it’s not a job. But life feels lighter and real when look for that messy confluence of emotions and context.
It’s scary to assume that old saying is true, “we’re the villain in someone’s story” but following that thought, you’re kinda forced to reconcile do you want to deny that, “oh the context was different” or “oh, they simply don’t know what I was dealing with”. Or do we want to explore, this horrifying possibility, that we can believe it happened and choose to stop being the “villain”.
HELL maybe we’re not villains at all and we just fucked up (sometimes for a long time). The same way our brothers, sisters, parents, friends, and lovers did. But no matter how much someone hurt me, even if I never chose to accept them back into my life, nor even accept an apology depending on the situation. I would at the very least be intrigued by a person’s ability to show up with consistent and honest change.